because i knew you (i have been changed for good)
by rosekatxo
Summary: Set during tonight's ep - Primum Non Nocere, Part Two. Jac struggles to deal with the anniversary of Jasmine's death (ft. the ever-dependable Sacha).


**A/N: I haven't written these two for so long, but I just couldn't resist a quick something in honour of Jasmine's anniversary... Apologies if it seems ooc, I feel like I've forgotten how to write them properly! I'm debating whether to carry on writing Protection or not, I'm not sure if anyone's bothered any more so if you'd be interested please drop me a message so I know (either on here or tumblr - nessdingles). Reviews would be much appreciated!**

 **for Jasmine Burrows, one year on x**

"Hey, you."

Jac opened her eyes tiredly at the sound of her friend's voice, wincing as a sharp pain shot across her lower back.

"Hey," she croaked. Her throat was still scratchy from the anaesthetic and lack of sleep, despite the fact her op had been almost 24 hours previously. Sacha closed the door behind him quietly, striding over to her bedside.

"I'm sorry I couldn't get up here sooner, it's been a crazy few hours," he apologised, as Jac waved her hand feebly in an attempt at dismissal. "And John didn't want you to have visitors for a while – thought you'd need the rest. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No," the redhead replied, shaking her head gently. "Couldn't sleep. Been going mad staring at these walls for the past ten hours." She felt strangely in need of comfort, unlike her usual guarded self, and she reached out to Sacha, grateful when his warm hands enveloped hers.

"I'm glad you're here," Jac whispered, a slight smile playing on her lips as she looked into the eyes of the man who knew her perhaps better than anyone else.

"Me too," Sacha assured, squeezing her hand softly. "How are you feeling?"

Jac fixed him with a sardonic glare, although there was no real fire behind it. "On top of the world, clearly."

Sacha grinned, shaking his head in amusement. "There's that Naylor spirit I know and love."

Jac couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped – Sacha somehow always knew what to say when she was feeling that way out. She also couldn't help the gasp of pain that followed as the movement tugged at the row of fresh stitches across her lower back.

"Now are you going to answer my question honestly?" Sacha admonished, carefully pushing her backwards by her shoulders. Jac rolled her eyes but allowed herself to be guided back down onto the pillows, unable or perhaps unwilling to deny how much the simple movement had hurt.

"It's painful," she admitted. "But I always knew it would be. I can deal with it for a few days if it means I'll be ok in the long run."

"That's my girl," Sacha twinkled. "Oh, before I forget – I believe I have something of yours." Fishing into his pocket, he pulled out the familiar dainty silver chain and placed it in her outstretched palm, watching as her fingers ghosted over the locket. A succession of mixed emotions flitted across her face.

"Thank you," Jac whispered, not trusting herself to raise her voice.

They sat in silence for a moment, Jac clutching the necklace tightly in her hands and subconsciously turning it over and over, eyes trained on her lap. Sacha didn't want to overstep the mark but sensing that she wasn't going to bring up the elephant in the room herself, he decided to broach the subject.

"And how are you feeling about what today is?" he asked softly. Jac's eyes flickered upwards in a panic, but before she'd even opened her mouth Sacha raised his voice to stop her. "Don't try to pretend you don't know what I mean, Jac. You don't have to hide from me, especially not now."

The redhead's eyes glistened as he spoke. Unable to look her friend in the eye, she fiddled with the chain as she mulled over the words spinning around her head.

"I thought the op might have taken my mind off it a bit, but she's all I can think about. I can't believe it's been a year," Jac murmured hoarsely. "A whole year since I lost her. So much has changed since then. _I've_ changed so much since then."

Sacha nodded. "That's perfectly understandable, Jac. You've been through a lot the past twelve months, it'd be weird if you _hadn't_."

"It just- it feels like yesterday. I can still feel my blood running cold when Damon looked me in the eye. I can still see her face, how terrified she was, how fragile she looked. How cold her hand was when I held it. I think about it all the time."

Sacha smiled sadly. "I'll always remember her wandering round the hospital singing at the top of her lungs. She used to brighten everyone's days, the patients always smiled when she was around."

Jac swallowed back the lump threatening to form in her chest. "I never understood how she was so _happy_ all the time. Maybe that's why we clashed so much, we were just too different. Complete opposites."

"Or two sides of the same coin, perhaps?" Sacha prompted, but Jac ignored him, lost in her own thoughts.

"You know, I can count on one hand the interactions we had where I was genuinely nice to her. Most of the time I either acted like she was annoying me or pushed her away. Why did I do that?"

"Because you were scared," he spoke in a low voice, as though reasoning with a frightened animal. "You were scared of her getting too close, of what might happen if you let her in."

There was a pause before Jac replied.

"I'd give anything to see her prancing around Darwin again," she whispered. "To hear her singing at the top of her lungs. Put up with her yapping away at my shoulder constantly like an annoying little puppy." Her voice broke as she continued. "Just to see her again, one last time. Hug her, and show her how sorry I am, and tell her I love her."

Tears had begun to spill messily down Jac's cheeks as she let her guard down to Sacha, and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut as the enormity of her confession hit home. She'd never spoken the words aloud until now – only written them shakily on the piece of paper that was tucked away safely in the privacy of her drawer, folded and unfolded more times than she could count, or repeated them as a mantra lurking in the back of her mind each day – but the combination of heightened emotions and exhaustion she was currently feeling had lowered her defences, allowing her to finally unburden herself to another human being. One who had, she was sure, already known those thoughts had been eating away at her for months, and who she could trust to be by her side no matter what.

As she allowed her emotions to pour out freely - in a way she rarely did even alone, never mind in the presence of a friend - Sacha leant forwards and gathered her into his arms as best he could, careful of her still-fresh wound. Planting a soft kiss on her forehead, he stroked Jac's arms as she shook with barely-suppressed sobs, turning slightly into his embrace as waves of grief overtook any physical pain she'd been feeling.

"I can't imagine how much you must miss her," Sacha began quietly, hoping his words would get through to her in her emotional state. "It was cruel, the way she was ripped away from you so quickly, just when you were starting to get to know each other properly. Jasmine was an amazing young woman – bright, vibrant, caring, funny, incredibly talented. And she was your _sister_. I know you hate to admit it, Jac, but she was so like you in so many ways. Her ambition, her determination, her skill, that big old heart she had… She would've made you so proud."

"She already did," Jac's muffled voice wavered as she refused to look up at Sacha. "I just wish I'd told her that."

"She knew, Jac," Sacha reassured. "I'm sure of it. Hadn't you told her just the week before that she'd be back on Darwin with you if she carried on? And you asked her to assist you in theatre even when there were more qualified people available?"

"Yes, but-"

"No buts. Jasmine _knew_ you believed in her, and that you were proud of her progress. And if I knew her at all, I'd bet my life savings that that meant the world to her." It was at this point that Jac shifted her head slightly to glance up at him.

"But I never told her I loved her." Her voice cracked. "All that time I tried to pretend I hated her, because it was easier than admitting she meant something to me. I thought that way I wouldn't get hurt. But now she's gone, and I love her, and it hurts so much. More than anything, and I thought nothing could ever hurt me like that again. If only I'd told her I loved her, even just _once,_ maybe it would have been ok. Maybe she'd still be here. But she's dead, and now she'll never know."

Sacha tightened his hold on her as tears sprung to his own eyes. "That's not true." He raised her chin so that she couldn't escape from looking directly at him, needing her to really hear what he was about to say. "You came running, as soon as you heard what happened. You were there with her at the end, holding her hand. Every single person who saw you that day could see how much you loved Jasmine, including her. She died knowing that you cared. You don't have to tell someone you love them for them to realise it, Jac. You might have been lying to yourself that you didn't, but Jasmine knewyou loved her, no matter how hard it was for you to admit that. And I know she loved you too."

They sat unspeaking for a few moments as Sacha's words sunk in, Jac hiccoughing in his arms until her cries slowly subsided.

"Thank you."

She shifted slightly in order to glance up at him, blushing with embarrassment at being seen in such a state.

"You don't have to thank me, you daft woman. What kind of friend would I be if I hadn't checked up on you, today of all days?" He winked, causing a sad smile to grace her features.

"Well it's not like I have many of those, so thank you. For being here, listening, knowing just what to say – it really means a lot. I really don't know if I could've got through today alone."

As she finished, she attempted to stifle a yawn but Sacha shot her a knowing glance. Carefully untangling her from his embrace, he sat back in his chair to scrutinise her. The emotional breakdown seemed to have drained her even further, the paleness of her fragile form demonstrating just how exhausted she was.

"No offence, but you look knackered and I'm not surprised. Why don't you try to get some sleep, and I'll pop back up in a bit?"

Jac tried to protest but the heaviness of her eyelids betrayed her, causing her to sigh resignedly.

"Will you be ok on your own?" Sacha continued. "I can stay if you'd rather." He was slightly worried she'd work herself up over Jasmine again, but she seemed so tired that he doubted she'd stay awake for more than a few minutes longer.

"I'll be fine," Jac reassured sleepily. "I'm pretty sure I'll be out like a light the second my eyes are closed."

Sacha hummed in amusement. "Looks like you're already halfway there." Reaching out to squeeze her hand once more, he hauled himself to his feet. "You just have a little nap, and I'll be back before you know it. If you're up for it, there's something I think you'd like to see later on."

"Ok," she replied, eyes already fluttering shut.

Sacha chuckled to himself, taking one last look at her fragile form curled up on the bed, Jasmine's locket clutched tightly in her hand which hovered subconsciously above her chest. He hoped that after a few hours' rest she'd be able to leave her bed, even just for a few minutes – he had a feeling it was exactly what she needed.

* * *

Jac tapped away at her phone as she waited for Sacha to return, once again bored of having nothing but her own thoughts for company. She'd managed to sleep for a couple of hours according to the clock on the table beside her, but after lying there silently with her mind in overdrive for at least thirty minutes upon waking, she'd managed to bribe one of the nurses to get her phone from where she'd left it in her office, giving her something to occupy herself with.

To her surprise, she'd had an unusual number of messages waiting for her. A few from Jonny, with messages of love and luck from him and Emma and a promise to visit her that night. Three from Fletch, checking in on her and ranting about their co-workers as per usual. A handful from various other colleagues, simply hoping the operation had gone well. But those weren't the ones that caught her eye.

 _Morven._

 _Mo._

 _Zosia._

 _Essie._

Each of her ex-colleagues had messaged her, not about her operation (she hadn't told anyone outside of the hospital about that), but to see how she was holding up on the anniversary of her sister's death. All four had sent their love, offered her a shoulder to cry on should she need it, and told her they too were remembering Jasmine today in their own ways.

It was probably a ridiculous thing to get emotional about, but knowing her colleagues – no, she reminded herself - _friends_ – still cared enough to check up on her made Jac feel comforted in a way that was still unfamiliar. Making a mental note to reply to them all later, and to ensure that Morven in particular was ok (she'd been Jasmine's best friend, after all, and she felt a duty to her sister to look out for the F2 even though she'd moved on from Holby), she allowed herself a small smile at the knowledge that she wasn't quite as alone as she'd thought.

"Ah. Sleeping Beauty's awake now, I see?"

Jac's head snapped up as Sacha's voice floated through the doorway. Almost immediately, she noticed he wasn't alone, though – Gaskell and Roxanna hovered behind him, clearly not wanting to encroach on her personal space. Jac narrowed her eyes.

"What's going on? Why did you bring those two with you?"

Sacha smiled encouragingly at her. "Remember I said there was something I wanted you to see?"

Jac nodded.

"Well, I had to do a _lot_ of begging. But when I explained the circumstances, Gaskell agreed to let me wheel you down there – if you're feeling up to it, of course."

"Down _where_? What have you done?"

"Nothing bad, I promise," Sacha reassured. "Please, just trust me?"

Jac looked at him for a few moments before nodding slightly. "Is it to do with… you know?" she asked quietly. Sacha nodded gently.

"You don't have to go if you're not up for it. But I do think it might help."

"Ok," she agreed slowly. "I'll come."

After a lot of delicate manoeuvring (and more twinges of pain than she'd ever care to admit), the three surgeons managed to get Jac settled comfortably into a wheelchair. Sacha had agreed that he alone would accompany her – he knew she was less likely to appreciate it if surrounded by people she didn't trust.

"Where are you taking me?" Jac demanded for the umpteenth time as they turned down another corridor.

"You'll see," Sacha replied.

When they came to a halt outside the faith room, he noticed the change in her demeanour as it all clicked into place."You don't have to go in if you're not ready," he assured the redhead, but she shook her head determinedly.

"Please."

Pushing open the door, Sacha heard Jac gasp sharply as her eyes fell upon the sight in front of her.

Someone – he wasn't sure who exactly, Hanssen perhaps? – had set up a memorial for Jasmine, a place for people to pay their respects one year on. A framed picture of the young F1 grinning cheekily at the camera sat in the centre of the altar, surrounded by cards and floral tributes. Several candles flickered gently in the dim light.

"You're not the only one remembering Jasmine today," Sacha explained gently. "I thought it might help to see that everyone else is missing her, too. Your sister was so loved, Jac. She still is." He placed a hand on Jac's shoulder, surprised when she reached up to place her own over the top. "I'll give you some time alone. Talk to her. Tell her everything you wish you had before. I'll just be outside, so shout if you need me."

Nodding through the tears trickling down her face, Jac relinquished her grasp, allowing Sacha to back away. Upon hearing the door click shut, she exhaled shakily, squeezing the locket tightly between her fingers in the hope that it would give her the strength she needed.

For a moment she surveyed the scene around her, peering through clouded vision at the various messages left by her colleagues. Dom, Hanssen, Sacha himself – even Serena had been to visit. It made her smile despite her sorrow to see that Jasmine was still so missed, so adored, by those who had known her. Opening and closing her mouth numerous times to no avilable, Jac found herself unable to voice the words bubbling to the surface of her mind.

 _I'm so sorry, Jasmine. Sorry for how I treated you, for not letting you in. For pushing you away, and bringing Fran into our lives, and not realising before it was too late. I'm sorry for keeping you from Emma – sorry that she'll never know her Auntie Jasmine. When she's older I'll tell her all about you, how amazing you were, how much you loved her. I'll make sure she never forgets you._

 _I'm sorry I couldn't be a better sister. That I couldn't see past Paula's betrayal to accept you for who you really were. Sorry you always lived in my shadow, that she treated you as badly as she treated me. You deserved better. I'm sorry I couldn't make it up to you, that we'll never get the chance to be proper sisters. There was so much we could have done together, and I'm sorry we'll never get that chance._

 _I'm sorry I treated you so badly, made your first months here a living hell. I'm sorry I didn't tell you enough just how proud I was of you, how wonderful a doctor you were, that I believed in you. I'm sorry we argued that day, and I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner. I'm sorry I couldn't save you._

 _I'm sorry I never told you I loved you. Because I did. I_ do. _I don't even think I realised it was love until it was too late, I spent so much time fighting it. But those last few weeks, I hope you know that I did everything I could to protect you, to help you. To show you I loved you, even if I couldn't say it. I just wish I'd been brave enough to tell you, before it was too late._

The sound of a door slamming in the distance brought Jac back to the present, tearing her from her reverie. She blinked as a wave of fresh tears spilled from her eyes, not even bothering to brush them away this time. It felt strangely raw, allowing herself to _feel_ this much, but in a way it felt cathartic. Like she was finally letting go.

Pressing the locket to her lips, she took a deep breath. This was her chance to say the words she'd been keeping inside for so long, threatening to drown her from inside. This was her chance to be free.

"I miss you every day, Jasmine. I keep thinking about what we could have been, all the things we could have done."

She paused, eyes drifting back to the photograph.

"They always say that people come into our lives for a reason, that they have something to teach us about ourselves. Losing you has been the most painful thing I've ever gone through, but I know that I've come out of it stronger. I'm a better person than I was before – kinder, more understanding, a better Mum, even– and that's because of you."

She reached out and picked up a single white lily from the memorial, one identical to the bouquet Fletch had presented her with the previous morning.

"I'm going to make you proud, be the version of myself you always believed I was. I owe you that much, at least." Jac squeezed her eyes shut briefly, steeling herself. "You're my little sister. You'll always be my little sister, and I'm sorry I never told you that. And I wish I'd told you something else, too - more than anything."

Knuckles gripped tightly around the one possession of her sister's that she treasured, she watched as a stray tear bounced off the surface, her own reflection staring distorted back at her in the flickering light.

"I love you too."


End file.
